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 A Hollywood liberal who knows the secrets that lie deep in the hearts of the left wing and is more than happy to divulge them to aid conservatives in their battle for dominance. He provides his offbeat commentary for National Review online. Now he’s put his thoughts into a humorous guide, “Rules for Radical Conservatives: Beating the Left at Its Own Game to Take Back America,” recently released by Ballantine Books. Here, he reveals how conservatives – now that they have Obama and the Democrats on the ropes – can go for the knockout blow.


OK, you wingnuts, listen up.

Yes, I’m talking to you, the enemies of His Excellency Barack Hussein Obama II, Lord of the Flies and Protector of the Holy Cities of Honolulu and Chicago, now in full-throated revolutionary cry.

Just because you went ahead and elected the nation’s first Hispanic woman governor, the nation’s second Indian-American governor (and a woman at that), and not one but two black congressmen doesn’t fool us a bit. We know that, deep down in your incorrigibly racist, reactionary souls, you did that just to put us off our game. We’ll be ready for you next time.

Oh, wait – that’s what we said this time and look what happened. No matter. In the age-old struggle between good and evil, we have a secret weapon: you.

You don’t know how to fight, and even when you win, you don’t know how to finish the job.

That’s why I’ve gone and written one whole book called “Rules for Radical Conservatives” to teach you how to recognize us, understand us, and destroy us. Not because I want you to win, mind you, but because even Lucifer, to whom the Great Alinsky dedicated “Rules for Radicals,” likes an honest fight every now and then.

After a while, even a bunch of congenital whiners like us gets tired of doing our Bernie Bernbaum imitation from the Coen brothers’ greatest movie, “Miller’s Crossing,” bawling like babies when you get the drop on us and secure in the knowledge that unlike Tom Reagan, you won’t actually put us away in the end.

This isn’t the place to go into all the rules but please keep in mind at least these two basic precepts:

1) Principles, not programs. Stick to your guns: lower taxes, less regulation, less government. Imitate your hero, Reagan (Ronnie, not Tommy) and leave the social issues alone; after all, if you win, they’ll take care of themselves. Do not get into the weeds with us: as the products of prep schools, think tanks, the Ivy League and Morning Joe, we know everything there is to know about programs except why we should have them in the first place.

2) Treat us with the same respect with which we treat you, which is none. Our “fairness” mask slipped away some time during Bush’s second term, to reveal the absolute contempt in which we hold you. We are angry, unhappy people, at once at war with God, truth, justice, the American Way, and pretty much the entire Constitution, so why should we give you suckers an even break? We think lawyers are the solution to all life’s problems, since there’s always gotta be an angle somewhere, whereas you think God, four aces and a loaded .45 will pretty much see you through any eventuality, including us.

But, of course, you won’t. Your basic desire to beat your swords into plowshares and go back home to Cincinnati always takes over. Your appetite for the Fight – and, as Hillary Rodham entitled her Wellesley Alinskian thesis, “There is only the fight” – will wane.

Your innate craving to be loved instead of feared will kick back in and before you know it, John Boehner will be slapping Barney Frank on the back and heading off on a fact-finding junket together to Chris Dodd’s Countrywide-financed “cottage” in County Galway. By the time BO2 heads into the primaries against Evan Bayh and Dennis Kucinich, the entire RINO caucus will be cheering him on – anybody but Sarah!!

It’s written in the stars: Betelgeuse, to be specific. Because you’re never dead until you’re buried, and even then…
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